So I have this unhealthy fear of losing weight. I have been slightly plump my adult life. I was raped and then discovered food. Food gave me the satisfaction nothing else could. I did not feel full inside so that is where food came in to play. Food made me feel full. It gave me the satisfaction I needed to get through the day. Food was always there and would never run away. I would eat till the point of throwing up because I had to fill full. The person I am today is who I am comfortable with. I know this person. I know the overweight Beth. I don't know the skinny Beth. I am afraid of that person and who she is. I am afraid of not being full. I see these skinny girls running around and wish I was that skinny but I don't want to change who I am. If I am big then no one will want me and then I would not have to worry about being left again.
I have serious abandonment issues. My dad has left me. My mom was in the hospital for some of my childhood because she was addicted to pain pills. Everyone leaves me. I push my husband away sometimes because I feel like if he is gonna leave me then I will make sure I do it first. I know in the back of my mind he won't leave, but I am so afraid. I have this 'I am a tough woman and no one will hurt me again' attitude. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband dearly. He is so good to me and my kids. He is my soul mate and would be devastated if I lost him.
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